| Back Home? |
[Jan. 2nd, 2006|10:15 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crappy | ] |
well mom decided she would bring me back to schoool after all. me, mom, and mae mae drove up here. that was intresting. but a back track first. new years eve rocked! fire and liquor talk about an awsome combo! lol. no i was really happy to get to see my family. every time i leave them it gets harder and harder to say goodbye. espically after Katrina. i dont know. i really wasnt sur eif i was coming back to school. i weighed not coming back, but the arguments between mom and dad are just not something i can handle. when they got off the phone fighting with each other i ended up getting the brunt of the anger. how is that right? what did i do to them? i didnt ask to be born or trouble them with being alive. sigh. back at caddo now. thought i'd be happier than i am. thought some people would be happier would be happier to see me but...oh well. i fwe of my old worries and regrets have already surfaced but i'm fighting them away. if i dont, i'll be lost before i even start. i really need to get myself together. sigh. oh well i need to get some sleep otherwise i'll never be able to get up on time for class tomorrow. ttyl. love yall!!
--Tiffany |
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| Grrr again... |
[Nov. 9th, 2005|09:12 pm] |
i am ticked off today. not quite sure why. just feel like it. got a problem with that? ya well get over it life isnt fair and i dont give a shit. in my recent relasations about myself i have let my guard slip. damn it i knew better. i just...GAHHHH. feel better now. passed my burkman test. got 100% on a quiz. anyone care? *looks around* nope didn't think so. i cant help lashing out right now. it seems like the right thing to do at the times that i do it. its like my only defense now. i guess i think if people are scared of me that they will leave me alone and stop picking on me and talking about me. mom and dad continue to go at it. scratch that, kendra and donald are going at it. i no longer want anything to do with any of my family. i'm am confused as shit because at first the letter i got from t.b. says she wants to be friends first then the next night, we're making out. what the hell does that mean she feels???? and now kendra keeps asking about t.b. demanding to know why i have only been talking about mags and yelling at my saying that i am abandoning t.b. for someone "cooler and prettier" in her words. if she only knew why i dont tell her about the time i spend with t.b. but i surely cant tell her, that would cause a major battle between us for sure. as far as i'm concerned right now kendra, melissa, donald, betty crocker, and michelle could all drop off the face of the earth into hell. i wouldn't cry for them. they have decided when i die i'm going to join them there anyway. so i guess i am. i need someone to just open up my head and tell me what is going on inside there. i am carrying so many emotions, its like i am about to explode. it seems like as hard as i try to drop them and let them go, they always come back, laughing and pointing. i can't seem to write anymore. two nights in a row now, i have sat up since i couldn't sleep and couldn't write a single thing. no poems, no additions to my chroicals, i couldn't even write a rhyme. without karate i dont have a physical outlet for my stress, since it seems like we wont actually get to real competition fencing. i just want to let lose physcialy right now. every muscle in my body tenses now when i get mad. if i dont find some way to let it all go, i seriously expect to get into a nice fist fight with someone, possibly even one of my "friends." though with some of their comments, i'm beginning to wonder. i also don't like that i am starting to feel a little jealously whenever i see someone else hug t.b. or when someone make the wrong type of comment. i mean i know we're not together, but i mean i wish we were and sometimes, a lot of the times we're alone, it seems like we are. well at least i have found a good use for my time in this ap room. updating my journal...and plotting to kill whoever is playing that stupid trumpet. good night whoever reads this (a.k.a. mags and Spock since you 2 read it every freaking night for no apparent reason)
--Tiffany
"Sarge" |
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| Just not me... |
[Nov. 4th, 2005|11:59 pm] |
Well, today was long. Got up and met Mags for breakfast. had spanish, then had an american history test. went to chemistry, totally lost like everyone else, english we went outside. damn bugs. lucnh. shrimp creole baby!!!! then took an algebra test that i think i actually passed. went back to caddo. then work serivce, fun they made me clean the toilents in the kitchen. gross! |P then went to see sr. rep. was actually very funny. came back to caddo tried on my dress for winter formal, then went to show mags and spock and they torutred me (aka put on make up and put a clip in my hair) i guess it didn't look bad. and...someone told me they really liked it when we were walking back to my room. its just not me i guess. i mean i'm good at pretending to be other stuff, but the whole make-up and dress thing and making a big deal of it just makes me feel even more awkard. well thats enough for tonight. love yall and slepp good!
--Tiffany |
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| Well... |
[Nov. 2nd, 2005|07:00 pm] |
Well, today started out very well actually. I know shock. Got up, cleaned my room, met mags and spock for breakfast. went to spanish, history, chemistry (where i actually understood!!), english. then lunch. tried not to kill michael when i saw him. ate with jessica, bethany, lacy, and megan. we talked about home lives and just random things. then went to algebra, (understood that too. i know its ok. the heart attacks are over now.) went and sat in bowtie man's office for and hour. yuck. then went back to caddo to pick up a notebook i forgot and ran back to the HSB. i didnt start to feel bad till after lunch. i just felt irritable. think it may have to do with the things on my mind right now. dad promised he'd call me after extended....he still hasn't. too busy with betty crocker i suppose. i think the only time i am in my room now is for room check and after lights out. been in tiffs, mags, and jessica's room lately. thank god for mags and jessica. mags gives my great advice (luv ya babe!!) and jessica listens to my rants and raves. i guess i just don't understand why i feel the way i do. i feel a hell of alot better than i did a few days ago, but...i don't know. well i suppose i should go do some homework :P. or maybe play solitare. hmmm. have a good night everyone, i shall leave you with this quote, "true perfection is impossible to achieve, yet evryday we reach for it"
--Tiffany |
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| Freinds to the rescuse |
[Nov. 1st, 2005|10:02 pm] |
It amazes me every day the way people are. I'm not sure about my dreams anymore. Acting has always been my dream. ALWAYS. but after some comments today maybe it shouldnt be. i mean have i been kidding myself about my skill. oh well. its offical. i do have people that care. there is the wonderful mags, who i would be lost (and dressed wrong for picture day) and confused, ash, the quiet friendly one, jessica, who is great as well, and brandi who told someone what an ass they were for certain coments. sigh. i really am not trying to bitch. i'm trying to be happy. i'm trying. well i suppose i had better go study or slepp, whichever seems more porductive. good night all.
--Tiffany |
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| Is life always like this? |
[Oct. 31st, 2005|07:35 pm] |
I hate this! Nobody likes me. Who was I kidding? She was right, they all put up with me out of pity.nI don't think a person should feel as many emotions as I do right now. My heart and brain are overloading. And no one would care if I just disappeared. It would me your life alot easier if I did huh? But I;m not that brave. I'm a wuss......a stupid, iggnorant, worthless, idiotic wuss. And I guess that'll never change. I mean my every flaw was picked apart. I don't even feel human. A fwe weeks ago I may have cried over this, but now I can't. I feel empty, undeserving of love or friendship. The girl inside me is crying and screaming, but I won't do that. Tears and words are a betrayal to myself. I won't allow this place to break me. I will NOT become weak. I can't. I just wish the nightmares would stop. Goodnight to any who have ever felt this pain and to those that haven't...remain thankful.
--Tiffany |
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| Confused... |
[Oct. 30th, 2005|10:45 pm] |
Caddo sweet Caddo. Its good to be back. The weekend was terrible. Rode the bus with some friends for 6 hours then got to Gretna. Got about an hour of sleep (just couldn't sleep.) then got up and drove to Pensacola. Saw my little cousins Mia and Karli and little Ethan, their cousin. That was my highlight. Missed them so much. Thery're all getting so big and I seem to be missing everything. Karli is talking now and running. Mia is playing in golf tournaments. No one even told my my aunt had surgery until the day she had it done. Mom and Mae Mae was who I spent the drive up there with. All my mom did was yell about my grades and talk bad about my dad. I felt like crap every time she did that and she did it every chance she got. She even went after me about my grades in front of everyone else! I have never been so glad as I was tonight when I saw Caddo coming over the hill. On top of that I only got about 4 good hours worth of sleep over the whole extended. I'm having nightmares again and I don't know why. That is driving me crazy. And I feel just...drained both pyhsically and mentaly. My heart is betraying me. I know I love Xhado, but there is someone else...someone that I feel like I belong with and that I should be with and I don't know what to do. Sucks because between this person and Xhado everyone, including my dad, would prefer Xhado.God IK am so tired. I just want to sleep. Halloween will suck. I won't get to be with my cousins like I have since they were born and no one will dress up with me to go terrorize Front Street. Oh well, screw it. I don't care anymore. If this is what happens when I let my feelings out and acknowledge them I won't do this anymore. Good night anyone who actually freaking cares. Ya right Tiff wake up. No one does.
--Tiffany |
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| Tired... |
[Oct. 25th, 2005|11:29 pm] |
Today was long. dad called at 6:40 to bitch about my 2 sefs *wonders if he realizes she put the phone on the pillow and let him talk to it since he woke her up* Got up met Mags. Waited while she cleaned her room. *looks around thinking i need to do that as well* Ate breakfast went to Spanish and took a quiz. fencing was cancelled because ms. mason wasn't here. bummer i wanted to vent some frustration and try to improve my timing but no one would bout with me. went to acting and watch the last 2 duet scenes. myrna cancelled clas son thrus. as a reward for sitting through the crucible. shh dont tell she really isn't supposed to. went to lunch then fine arts. went to lab got to play with things that could explode it was fun. :D went to guided and then went to dinner and finally back to caddo. ended up falling asleep untill 8:32 and went to evening study. just finished my history paper thats due tomorrow and getting off the phone with dad (more bitching) and i am going to bed. the headache from hell wont go away and i feel like crap. hope tomorrow wont suck as bad. goodnight all people who are actually reading this, if there are any. sweet dreams!
--Tiffany |
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| I think I'm going crazy... |
[Oct. 24th, 2005|10:52 pm] |
Why are you doing this to me? Can't you see how I feel? God, if you know then please stop this. I love you, I really do. Why can't you see that? I swear, this world seems to be pressing on my shoulders and it seems like I can't push it off for as long as I used to be able to. I hate feeling this way. I should be better than this. I have to be better than this. I didn't come here ti fail. That's not an option. Its just so hard to foucs. So many things are scream and vying for attenion isnide my head. If I ignore them all who would I listen to? God, what should I do? I know how I feel...but what about you? I'm afraid to ask, because the truth can hurt worse than the most painful death. I hate loving someone I can never be with, but I can't forget you. God all these thoughts. I wish they would just go away for just one night so I could get some real sleep. I know something good should happen soon, but how many more bad things will I have to hold onto until that happens. How long? Well, back to the "real" world. I think I just want to take a nap.
--Tiffany |
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| Well... |
[Oct. 23rd, 2005|12:58 pm] |
Soory I haven't updated in a few days. It seems like time is just getting away from me. Dad came up yesterday, sadly brought Betty Crocker along too. Seemed like he was happy to see me until we went to the stores. Then he just ditched us because he didn't want to look around with me and Mags. Which, by the way Mags if your reading this, thanks so so so much for coming with me and being supportive. I'm impressed though he actually stayed by us in Wal-Mart for a little while, then just did the old go get what you need and I'll wait right here. Ya right, like he ever has actually waited for me. Went and saw The Fog, was pretty good exceptDad spent the entire time scaring me. Typical. Then we came back to Caddo, he dropped off my stuff and left. Lovely, isn't it? Well, he did stay quite a bit longer than I expected him to. Well, I need to go do Algebra. :P. I'll try to write more later if I can.
--Tiffany |
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